{journaling mommyhood}

On this quiet Sunday afternoon, I find myself alone. Doing some thankful pondering. My husband had to work today. My daughter is away this weekend. I miss her. It’s amazing how much I ache for her when she is away. It makes me so much more thankful for the precious time I do have with her. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Tears seem to come quickly for this little girl, I have so much love in my heart for her. My eyes are crying, but my heart is smiling. She is my special girl.
[I miss this face - yep, she is mine...lol]

Occasionally I like to look back in my journal, mostly when I’m struggling, so I’ve been looking back a lot lately. I’m always surprised at how much I’ve learned and see how I’ve made it through certain times. I see more clearly the hand of the Lord in my life daily. Literally daily. Though at the time of writing those things I sometimes can’t see it and overlook it. That’s the beauty of remembering…learning and growing, and eventually seeing. They are simple, very simple lessons or sometimes just words, some might think a little obvious or insignificant, but I consider them gifts from the spirit and treasures each day to keep me going. I am grateful for the desire to actually write them down. I am God’s child, I feel so vulnerable and dependent on Him, and at times I feel much like a child because I need help so much. I cannot do this thing we call life without him. I just can’t. I am not strong enough alone. We all have trials and challenges. Yes, I am human and I have struggles that are unique to me. Through this pregnancy I have learned so much about myself, God, love, and motherhood. At this point or stage I feel my quest in finding certain answers to some ongoing struggles have been made clear, and perhaps have been lifted a little lighter for me to carry. I know it’s a blessing that will help me in the days ahead. Though my trials will not go away, they may even get harder, but I have the answers for myself. I’m feeling this need to share some things, for whatever reason I do not know. It’s probably mostly for myself. It’s been on my mind lately. A lot I’ve skipped, these are just a few highlights of my daily journal writing through my pregnancy.

Feb. 12: I know that I must be refined by my trials, but that I don’t have to wait until heaven to feel that I am already there… I am humbled by the constant awareness of my weaknesses.

Feb.13: I’ve realized in the last few days that life is not about really what you do so much as the relationships you develop and who you become. Did I become a good mother, wife, daughter, friend, etc? Did I do my part?

Feb. 15: “God and Jesus, who are not bound by clock or calendars, can truly be long suffering in a way we don’t comprehend.” (Continuous Atonement)

Feb. 27: “We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves, we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves.” Pres Uchtdorf

March 1: In the middle of the night for no apparent reason I had the most peaceful feeling come over me. That every second is a gift and a test. That I should both enjoy every moment and do my best every second because I need to prove myself worthy, and Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. I hope I can remember that heavenly feeling so I can press forward in righteousness when times get tough.

March 2: I’m so thankful for my husband who loves me and tells me often that he appreciates me. Like last night on the phone. (he was in St. George for work). He just comforts me and makes me feel warm. Also I am grateful for his testimony and that he shares it with me often.

March 3: Last night me and Brylie were talking about Jesus before she went to sleep. She teaches me so much. She told me that Jesus will come down and make her foot feel better and then he will go back up. (she had a broken foot at the time). I love her purity. Her innocence. She is teaching me.

March 6: (in the temple)…As I sat there pondering on the burdens that have been placed upon me… a great sense of gratitude came upon me and the knowledge of my blessings poured into my mind. My perspective changed from burdens to blessings.

March 7: I had another one of those great, simple moments last night that both humbled me and taught me many lessons about gratitude and love. As I was putting my 3 year old to bed, and her being a little difficult and mean, but still wanting mommy, and just being a challenge - my wonderful challenge… all I wanted to do is go to bad and get a break. But then as I kissed her good night - which we both love - I felt something wash over me. The spirit filled my heart and tears came to my eyes and I pressed my cheek to hers and felt of her purity. After that little moment I didn’t want to leave the room. But knowing that if she saw me cry, she would cry too, I left the room sobbing. So many emotions ran through me. Later I spoke of my emotions to Chris after we read the ensign together. I told him how very grateful I am for him. Oh, how truly blessed I am. As we drove home last night I looked down at our hands. So lovingly we were holding each other and a wave of emotion took over me and I felt so blessed to have him. Such a contrast from the way I felt in the marriage that, until recently, I’ve realized was not at all “filled” with the love coming from both companions. I’ve learned so much, seen good rise above bad, and have been blessed beyond what I thought I deserved. I am forever grateful for my Father in Heaven who brought us together.

March 13: Walk until you can’t walk anymore, then take one more step.

March 14: A phrase/scripture that keeps popping into my head - “love life, and see good days… also the word “endure.” Morning sickness and Brylie’s whining and aggressiveness are pushing me to endure for sure. To be honest, darkness surrounds me at moments… but then I think, “this too, shall pass.”

March 17: "It is not the design of heaven that we be rescued from all difficult situations. Rather, it is the Lord's will that we learn to handle them." -Joseph Fielding McConkie

March 22: “Life is wonderful.” As quoted by my amazing husband in a text this morning. (me): “Life IS wonderful. I love that the gospel reminds me to not just endure but to enjoy this journey. And it’s a whole lot easier to do that when I have you by my side every step of the way and my beautiful daughter looking at me for strength.” ---Realizing, this is me getting back on track. This is me, feeling the spirit again. This is me finding joy through trials…

March 25: …charity helps me learn patience in waiting.

March 27: Today it really hit me, as my role as a mother, my need to be better, not just better but my best.

March 29: I love my simple little life…as a mother and a wife… really it’s the best. It’s where I belong.

April 1: First doctors appointment today! Can’t wait to see the first image of our little one and hear it’s heartbeat. I pray that everything is well and he/she is healthy. I’m so grateful and feel it a privilege and honor to carry one of Heavenly Fathers precious children.

April 4: “Unless you are fully engaged in living the gospel - living it with all of your ‘heart, might, mind and strength,’ you cannot generate enough spiritual light to push back the darkness.” (Robert D. Hales)

April 12: “I need thee every hour”… every minute, every second, dear Father.

April 18: I’m grateful I get to watch my daughter grow day to day and to learn and grow from being her mommy.

April 21: With great responsibility comes great challenges, but blessings as well.

April 22: Been feeling the spirit a little more when I remember to look at my blessings and see how precious the people around me really are.

April 23: Starting the B.O.M. over again. The very first scripture hit home to me… 1 Ne. 1:1 - “…having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days…” -These are the same reasons why I write in this journal.

April 24: Happy Easter! At church as we sang “I know that my Redeemer lives” the words - “my savior still the same” touched me. He is unchangeable, even when I change, and he is always there, even when I don’t always come to Him. He loves me even when I am unlovable. As the song was coming to a close I looked over to see Chris with tear filled eyes. So touching. I know that my Redeemer lives! Those are the happiest words! Let them sink into your heart.

April 25: I have worth to Him even when I cannot feel it from anyone else.

April 28: Brylie: “I love Jesus mommy. Heavenly Father does makes me happy.” --- (as she was crying this morning): “Where is the spirit mommy?” (then we prayed for the spirit to come back). She teaches me so much.

May1:…I feel lately whenever Brylie asks me to hold her I want to and I cherish it because she won’t be my baby for too much longer. ---Also she is getting little freckles on her nose, just faint ones that probably only I can see. So cute! She does and says the funniest things sometimes.

May 2: It was a good day. Little by little I am finding my strength (regaining) and my patience. I find that when I gather myself, put the Lord first and trust Him to be there to help me, I find peace. I have felt lately that my role as a mother and wife is so significant and also is the best way, the Lord’s way to grow and return home to Him and to live with my family forever. Home is my growing ground…through it all.

May 3: Life is full of ups and downs, seems like as soon as I feel back on top, I slip and fall right back down. Pregnancy is/has been hard this time around. But I need to be strong for this little one and the people around me that God has so lovingly placed in my path.

May 8: It’s Mother’s Day. Motherhood is the #1 thing I need to improve on. I’m so blessed to have a husband who believes in me and helps me to see and feel that I’m doing better than I think.

May 14: (long story short): …when he got back, my rock of a husband said - we need to read and say prayers… after we did those things, our problems didn’t go away, but the spirit in our home changed. It was peaceful.

May 15: Can my children see the Savior in my eyes?

May 16: Being grateful brings so many blessings along with it… I find it brings patience, and also faith. Patience because when I feel those around me are my treasures I feel it more important to show them in the way I act, and it helps my self control. And faith because I know my blessings come from God and I know he will continue to bless me with my needs and to watch over my little family.

May 26: I went to my 17 week appointment and it’s so good to hear that little heartbeat. I get a huge smile on my face every time. Brylie came with me, she loves to hear it too. The doc said that “it sounds like your mommy swallowed a dish washer!”

June 6: I love having night time talks with my hubby. I feel it brings us so much closer and rekindles our love. Talking about our challenges, decisions, what we need to do better, etc, etc. Brings peace to my soul. I love my little family. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I know the Lord is working through me…

June 13: When it rains, it sometimes pours, right? But I know it is not until after the trial of our faith that the blessings come. Don’t get me wrong, we are happy. It’s just hard. But we have each other and that is all we really need. Our little family - together - what a blessing.

June 15: “Pray and work and wait.”

June 16: Opposition is part of Heavenly Fathers plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Fathers love and of our need for the Saviors help.

June 20: It’s amazing how challenges and afflictions can help you become better, feel the spirit more. I’m grateful last night after a hard time with Brylie, and even during, I was able to cope because if felt the spirit and could feel the hand of the Lord in my life. I cried as I watched the beautiful sunset, which lasted only a few minutes because Brylie called for me again.

June 23: “God placed within women divine qualities of strength, virtue, love, and the willingness to sacrifice to raise future generations of His spirit children.”

June 24: “willing to suffer and sacrifice all things for the kingdom of God.”

July 6: Matthew 15: “Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they many see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” ---This was a gem for me today. I feel lately I must be an example, I must let my light shine no matter how hard it is to push through the darkness - ‘all who are in my house’ need my light. I must be strong for them.

July 10: …my little girl is getting so big. Sometimes I look at her in amazement that she is really mine. She is my special little girl.

July 11: …She tells me stories now that would last all day…

July 13: “I’ve had my moments…when I knew I did what I thought I couldn’t do.”

July 14: I’m grateful for littleness.

July 17: I cannot sit stagnant. I must always become better continually. Lord please bless my efforts.

July 19: “consider the lilies…how they grow.” …He really is in control.

July 24: …a thought came to me that the Lord gives us perhaps “just enough” light to get through at times, he will never leave us with nothing… I should be grateful everyday for the moments he gives me, for the needs he provides for, even when I feel like it’s barely enough. This got me thinking about Jesus walking on water and how Peter, so vulnerable, attempted the impossible, and when the waves distracted him and frightened him, he barely made it back up, but it was the had of the Lord that helped him. Saved him.

July 25: Let the spirit be with me. Accept it. Choose to have it.

Aug. 1: “The Lord regularly sends wake up calls to all of us.” --- I am so grateful for that. It helps me in many, many ways.

Aug. 2: I thought of my grandma Bennett this morning as I looked at brylie after she came in and layed by us as we were reading. I thought about how she might just be one of our many angels. I thought back at how she looked at chelsey as she st by her in the hopital bad before she died. Those christlike eyes never faulted. She was a great person and example and I love her. I only hope I can be more like her each day. She is ther to guide me I think. Thank you grandma for seeing this great example through the life you lived.

Aug. 8: “enduring all things.” I have already endured many things. Nothing is too big for me to bear.

Aug. 10: Oh, what a difference it makes to get up in the morning and put the things of God first. It helps me throughout the day, just knowing that he blesses me for putting him first, its my way of showing him that I’m willing to trust him, that things will go the way they should - hard or not- throughout the day. That brings great peace.

Aug. 30: As I read a bit of Ether I had a vision of myself, living the gospel, having unshakable faith, being “not of the world”, a great example to my children, gentle, meek and mild, humble. Creating a feeling of peace when they are around me. I know it is possible, but I have a long way to go.

Sept. 9: Brylie’s prayer just now:… “Thank you for Chris, and for his sweet spirit, and for his life, and that he gets to go to work… and thank you for mommy, and for her heart… and thank you for Jesus…”

Sept. 10: There is sunshine in my soul today.…not because anything miraculous has happened… but because I choose to put it there. It has been a challenge lately… but I know that if I count my blessings, put the Lord first, and put a smile in my heart, and know that “this too shall pass.” it will be ok. (text to Chris). I am so thankful for you Chris. You have helped me see the light at the end of so many tunnels.

Sept. 12: (Christlike parenting): “Maintain a Christlike countenance… Keep you emotions in balance, keep them level; keep your sense of humor… ease up… Don’t take things so seriously, yourself included… forget it, and look to the future. There is healing for you in the future. Trust god. God loves you… put a smile on your face. It can be done… a cheerful countenance which could afford one ‘an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds.’… it can stop negative behavior dead in its tracks…creating an arena of comfort.”… with all that we have to be thankful for...we should never stop smiling in our hearts.

that's all for now :)