[tender mercies]

“Lilac’s don’t last very long… best things in life seldom do, and that makes them all the sweeter.” Emma Smith - My Story

Writing takes emotional energy. And I just haven’t had it. Until now. You can't force words that just aren't there. I don’t really know how to write this out so I’ll just start writing. It was Friday (the 19^th), I went in for my very first OB appointment for this baby. Chris had to work unexpectedly. Brylie was at Grandma’s playing with cousins and I took Jadeyn with me. She was just too upset I couldn’t leave her. She has been really clingy lately. The doctor talked to me for a few minutes, then went in for the ultra sound. Right away I thought something was odd. It looked really small. He was silent for a long time which was no comfort. He finally said he couldn’t make out a heart beat. No sign, no noise, only the sound of my Jadeyn crying from the corner of the room. My eyes filled with tears. I glanced for a moment at the nurse, her face was sympathetic. The doctors jumbled words in my mind were respectful to the situation but of no comfort really. Then he brought Jadeyn up to me. I took her out of her car seat and held her close. She calmed me as she calmed down and laid her head on my shoulder. I was glad I had brought her at that moment, when only moments earlier I felt overwhelmed that I had brought her to this. I tried to listen as the doctor stated the facts. At the same time my heart was breaking. When I left I called Chris. He was sorry he wasn’t there. I drove home in tears. As I looked back, a few signs were brought to mind that were haunting me. I had brushed them off because of the fact that every pregnancy is a little different. For one I wasn’t getting sick. Yes, I felt exhausted and had a “yucky” feeling at times, but not the kind of “can’t get out of bed or even function” kind of sick that I felt with my other pregnancies. I told myself that I was just lucky this time.

Through all that was happening inside my mind, I did have a sense of peace and a surprising feeling of gratitude. Gratitude for what I already have. It was humbling. Humbling in a sense for what I have taken for granted. And that I will be so much more thankful the next time He feels fit to bless me with another spirit to love. Feeling that I will have ALL my children one day. That now I have a new angel to love and who may watch over me. I can’t let him/her down. As I finish my journey I hope to do my best so to not have any regrets. I’m a little confused about how this all works in the eternal/gospel perspective. But I do know this - It is a spirit that I will see and know someday. Whether in this life or in the next. The Lord will give back all that was lost in this life. This I know for sure.

One of the hardest parts was telling Brylie. I knew it would be hard for her to understand. I tried my best to explain. I had told her the news of the baby only a few days earlier. Her reaction to the miscarriage was a bit troubling… heartbreaking. But by the end of the day I think she understood a little better and was ok. I tried to teach her - even through my own weakness - to be happy even when it’s hard, because Heavenly Father wants to bless us.

"Life is a very good teacher"

I’ve learned that when we ask for blessings, He often gives us a trial. I’ve prayed to feel more grateful, and I got my answer. It’s humbling. It makes me see what I’ve taken for granted. What I should do better. I have full faith that Heavenly Father loves us and wants to bless us, and He gives us trials to strengthen us. For there is no other way I know of other than opening our eyes to the precious, pure, goodness and true treasures around us. My beautiful girls, the children I have with me now. I know this will bring us closer together as a couple and as a family, because it helps us see how precious we all are to each other.

"Thankfully the Lord periodically provides us with experiences that disrupt the routine and shake us out of superficiality. It is another one of those 'tender mercies' that help us focus on Christ." When you can't do it alone.

These were the thoughts running through my mind that day.

After this though, it seemed to get harder. And I cried through the night.

The next day (Saturday) I tried not to think too much. Was busy all day with ward and family activities. All while trying to hold it together. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted all day and didn’t give myself time to think. Which brought me to anxiety that night. Thoughts and emotions overwhelmed me. I didn’t get much sleep. One thought I had was a plead with my Father - I thought: Take me to heaven for just a minute… I thought that could solve my earthly problems. But the next morning I held Jade when she woke up and just cuddled her, she giggled and was just the sweet spirit that she is - I thought: This feels like heaven. For a moment I was happy and at peace. After a night of fear and panic, this was a tender mercy.

"Strength isn't something you have, it's something you find."

You have to find it one day at a time.

Sunday morning was busy. First it was the primary program. I couldn’t stop smiling at my cute little sunbeam class and especially at Brylie. She did her scripture part so well and they all sang their little hearts out! I blew a kiss to Brylie and she caught it so quickly. I enjoyed every minute. Then it was off to Chris’s parents farewell. [They are headed to Paris France in less than a week now.] I enjoyed both of their talks. Dixie spoke about trials, and answers to prayers. Russell spoke on qualifying and family. Afterwards they both gave me a big hug and I felt their love and understanding of what I was going through. I’m going to miss them. As the day progressed, I felt weak. I’m sure it showed. Most didn’t know my situation. I put my brave face on and got through the day. Grateful.

The weekend was pretty tough. Knowing. Waiting.

Monday was another day at the doctors office. This time Chris was with me. Another look at our lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen. This time measurements were taken. 7 weeks and 1 day. But I was almost 9 weeks along. I felt hollow, saddened. A decision had to be made. Wait it out? Or get a D&C?

Tuesday. The day at the hospital. Prayerful.

It’s hard to say goodbye when you never had a chance to say hello. I may never be able to hold that baby in my arms, but will always hold it in my heart. It is a part of me now. Life is now more fragile, and more precious. (I read something like this and it struck home.)

We arrive at the hospital. With my husbands lively spirit and his hand in mine we make our way to the doors. All the while my nervousness and emotions stirring. I was quite impressed with my husband as he carried my pink bag on his shoulder, and helped me get into my surgery gown. I hear his sweet voice tell me he likes taking care of me. He helped me get comfortable on the bed, tucking a blanket in so I don’t get cold. We sat there in that small room for quite a while. Nurses coming in and out from time to time. He held my hand, let me cry, comforted me with his words and caring eyes and smile. His presence was a blessing. He made me laugh as we tried to talk about things to keep my mind off what was about to take place. When I would have a moment and start to cry, he would tell me how blessed we are. He would say things like - “We have two wonderful girls and I have three.” I told him I wanted to hold my baby Jadeyn. That’s what I yearned for at the moment - to hold my baby. I thought about my Grandma Bennett ( who passed away when I was 15). I felt her presence in that room. I thought of her kissing my forehead. I told Chris I think she is here. He told me maybe she is holding our baby… My gown felt bulky like armor. Chris said, “you have on the armor of God.” It made me smile and helped me focus on Christ. As I went in for the procedure I was thinking in my mind “I know that my Redeemer lives!” Chris kissed me and I was off.

"Sometimes fear shouts so loud in our ears that it almost drowns out our faith. But God knows who we are... We cannot go anywhere He cannot find us."

As I woke, a peace was upon me. A feeling that the storm had passed. Knowing that new storms awaited, but having peace in knowing that I can get through anything with the Lord and my husband by my side. They are both constant and true. I thought how the Savior is really the only one who knows exactly how I feel and have felt. “And Jesus wept.” Knowing He feels for me and weeps for me is precious and beautiful. Sometimes the best comfort that others can give is when they just cry with you, or knowing they have cried for you and prayed for you, or are just thinking of you... As many of my friends and family have done and shown.

"Sometimes God brings us low before He can lift us higher. I've experienced that all my life." Quotes from [Emma Smith - My story]