Daddy

June 12:

My heart is so heavy and my soul is torn to pieces. Today my daddy had a heart attack and passed away. I can't even believe that he is gone. 

We were all there. We were in one of his favorite spots, the Mustang Ridge campground in Flaming Gorge. We had an amazing weekend with all our family, grandpa had not been feeling very good but his spirits were high most of the time. He got to spent the last bit of time he had with all of us in a place he loved, doing what he loved. He had gone fishing with some of the kids last night. I'm so glad Brylie got to go with him. He spent the morning watching the little kids run around in the dirt. I kept glancing at him. He had a pleasant look on his face. He was just enjoying his grandkids so much. We were slowly getting things packed up to go home. Grandpa was having a hard time. He kept doing things and then sitting down. He couldn't catch his breath. In my heart I knew something was wrong. Mom asked if he was ok and he said he was not ok. Those were his last words. "No, im not ok." I left that scene for a moment with much worry and went over to Zack and Chris. I told them grandpa won't be able to put his things away by himself. I told them he's not doing so good and I think he should go to the hospital. They walked over and right then Dad went limp in his chair and Zack grabbed him right away and laid him on the ground. He yelled "call 911" and "we are going to do cpr!" I called 911 and they all worked tirelessly on him.

It was an amazing, heart wrenching, beautiful sight to see all my brothers, my husband work on trying to revive my daddy. I stayed on the line with the lady, she was really sweet and she kept putting me on hold but would reassure me that help was coming. I kept saying "my daddy, daddy, come on daddy!" These images and feelings are ingrained in my head and heart. It was awful to see my dad like that. So very scary. I got off the phone when the sherif arrived. Life flight and EMT arrived shortly after. I just held on to my mom. She was pretty historical. Crying and saying things like "no not right now!" "It's too soon." "Please Don't take him now." I held her and said "he's right here with us mom." There were moments when everyone was yelling saying things like "come on dad, you can do it!" Cheering him on. They worked tirelessly for about an hour I'd say. But he was gone. He had been gone. We could feel it. My mom could feel it. We all hugged. Tears were flowing. Tender words were said. There was one moment when Jesse and Cory were hugging. Chelsey came and hugged them I stepped in and hugged. All us siblings. Daddy loved us. We all know that. Mom walked over and laid on his chest and just sobbed. Chels came and sat by mom and then I followed. I kissed his forehead. Rubbed his face. Said "I love you daddy, you took such good care of us." I held his hand. Oh his hands. He had the best hands. They are ingrained in my memory. I looked at them for a long time as I rubbed them. I kissed them and didn't want to let go. 

Then it was time to face the struggling, confused kids. I walked over to Brylie and she was having a rough time. She was sad and angry. I held her and tried to answer her questions. This will be so hard for her. They had this special bond. She was his little cowgirl and fishing buddy. She adored him just the way I did. She would always say things like "me and grandpa like the same things." "I really like grandpa's beard." It was hard to look at all the little kids. Every single one of them was so special to him. I especially could feel the sadness when I looked at Haizel. As soon as we had gotten to camp she just wanted grandpa to hold her. Oh how grandpa loved that. Tender mercy. I'm so glad I got a picture of them.

He loved his grandkids. Every single one was special to him in their own way. I can't look at them without thinking about their gramps. How much he loved and enjoyed them.

The way home... I drove the Durango home with mama in the passengers seat. I sat on pops seat. A wave of sadness rushed over me as I had to shift the seat to fit me. Everything was a reminder of him. Mom took out a cd and said she couldn't listen to that. She explained later that "good morning beautiful" was their song. He had texted her that one day listening to it on the road as he was trucking. Said, "this is our song." He loved my mama. And he showed it. Even when I was little I noticed the affection he showed her. Made me feel secure to have a dad that loved my mom so much.

As we drove there were moments we talked a lot and moments we sobbed. Moments that were silent. It comes in waves. Something said or thought would trigger an emotion. We spoke a lot about how much he really did love my mom and showed it. She spoke of how every night he would put his hand on her back as she laid into bed. Made her feel secure. She said all she wanted to do tonight was to lay on him and watch a movie. She wanted that so much. She wanted more time with him. If only to say what she needed to say. I started to feel a bit angry at one point after she talked, angry that they can't do those things, that he won't be around to see all this. Our kids anymore. I loved seeing his face and smile and be so proud. He loved them so much. 

At one point my mom started thanking me for taking care of her during that hard time she went through while we were living there with them and my dad was away. She said that I saved her life. That I stayed so strong. I told her sometimes I'm not strong. That it is so hard. She understood. I want to be there for my mom now more than anything. I wish I could remember everything said and felt. I'm sure I will write more as I think of it all. 

No matter what he had going on, even through his weaknesses, the one thing I know without a doubt is that he loved his family and we were most important thing to him. And he knew that's what life was about and that you don't give up on them. He's proved that time and time again to me. 

There were so many tender mercies as I look back. Things that seem small. Some that are big. But they are there. I had been feeling like something was coming. There are so many tender mercies that I should make a list. 

Tender mercies....

He had taken off work to spend time with my mom and try get things back on track in their lives. He got to spend a lot of time with her the last month or so. 

He took one last ride with Brylie just a few weeks before. 

And with Brooke just the other day. 

He died in a place he loved. Surrounded by us all he loved and who loved him, absolutely adored him. 

The fact that he didn't go to the doctor could be looked at as a blessing. So he didn't have to suffer in a hospital bed, he absolutely hated to be confined to a bed. He got to go his own stubborn way. Maybe it's a blessing he went quick. For him and for us. As unbelievably sad as it is. 

The fact that we had the whole weekend with him before it happened. Some of the kids got to go fishing one last time with him the night before and had a great time. 

He sat around the fire with us the night before. It was grandma Vida's birthday and Amy asked him what his favorite memory was of her. He told the story of her accidentally throwing her wedding ring into the fire. They had to sift through it the next day. We just loved hearing him tell stories. 

 

He had been talking about things he normally wouldn't. My mom told me that he'd been acting different, especially after his dad (grandpa John) died in April. I could sense it in him too. His heart was being softened. And we were all being prepared. 

Then there's the little tender mercies that don't seem significant but made a big difference if we look back...

The fact that Zack was there just in time to know that dad was in real trouble. That he didn't just collapse on the ground. Zack was there to catch him and start CPR right away. The fact that it happened under the canopy that we hadn't put away yet. That we keep putting off. To give shade to those working on him. And my mom. 

That he wasn't driving when it happened. I can't even imagine how that would have been if it happened after they left, with only my mom there.  

It was very traumatic for all of us. But I know it was all in the plan. 

June 13:  We got some sleep and now I feel more emotional than before. Yesterday I was in shock and processing it all. Now it will be a battle of emotions. I just woke up before everyone and I looked at the text messages dad had sent me. There are some really tender ones.  I especially love the one that says "you really are my little angel."

My dad liked a good cowboy poem so I wrote one just for him this morning:

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Daddy. 

Born a century too late. 

This cowboy dad of mine. 

Stubborn as a mule. 

Yet a heart of gold, softer than a fir pine. 

He found joy in nature, 

Family and friends. 

Never had reason murmur,

He was always quite content. 

He would saddle up his horse 

Take a nice long ride. 

Or rig up that ol' fishing pole 

Carefree on the riverside. 

Daddy was a quiet man,

Yet the stories he could tell,

Of all the western Cowboys 

He knew 'em clear as a bell. 

I never will forget 

His hands were big and rough. 

Yet gentle as his heart

In moments that were tough. 

So much to tell him. 

But the moment didn't last

Surrounded by those he loved

He was taken home so fast. 

Everything I see reminds me

Of my daddy in the sky. 

Every pretty sunset. 

Every cloud that passes by. 

Every mountain that I see

Every river I will cross

Or the rain on my cheek. 

The fish swaying in the moss. 

There's not a place i see

That a memory was not made,

Without my dear ol' dad

That will never, ever fade. 

So when I feel the nice cool breeze

Or hear a country song. 

I'll hold on to you, my cowboy dad

And know it won't be long. 

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Daddy, I know you would have liked to stay with us longer. This is so hard. Please help us along the path back home to you. Tell Gram and Gramps and Tyler I love them and give them each a big hug for me. Stay with me daddy as a comfort. This is much too hard without you. Until we meet again. I can't wait. I love you Pops.